More thoughts on family ideologies
Having got the previous post off my chest, I started to think about how families change as the children grow up and develop their own ideas about things.
I’ve just spoken to my dad about last night’s debate, which he didn’t take part in – he just observed. He said how much he’d enjoyed watching us debate and how proud he was to see his children debating their own views as adults. That was cool.
My own feelings about the ideological divide between myself and my family are much more mixed. I’m on my own path and I’m discovering my own beliefs. The ones I have found so far digress sharply from the beliefs I was brought up with. Incidentally, this journey of mine is unique among my siblings, as I am the only one of us 5 that has strayed from the Christian family fold.
One of the hardest things for me has been knowing that I can’t share this journey with my mum. We were very close when I was growing up, and still are in most ways, but this is something that I have to do without her. Not because I want to exclude her, but because we just are too far apart on this subject.
Even the fact that I am still in a process of discovery is difficult for my mother to understand. She encountered evangelical Christianity at 21, embraced it immediately and straight away embarked upon a missionary life. I have been ‘agnostic’ or in a state of learning about various faiths and discovering my own beliefs for about 7 years now. She doesn’t understand what’s taking me so long, lol. I think this is a journey that may well last many more years, if not my whole life, but then I don’t consider the destination to be the point of the exercise. I think the journey is the point.
So the question becomes, how do you maintain a relationship where there are such great differences of ideology? I realise that family ties are not based on similar beliefs but they really help! Especially when those beliefs speak strongly to a person’s identity, it’s hard to say you disagree without making the person feel devalued.
Maybe I’m asking for too much, but I so wish that I could share this hugely important journey I’m on with my family. Well, maybe the best idea is just not to talk about it. To create a dark corner in your relationship that you don’t go into, and make up for it in other areas. After all, no-one in your life will ever be interested in all the things you’re interested in. Can you smell the rationalisation? Hmmm, smells like coffee beans….
*deep dramatic back-of-hand-to-forehead sigh*
posted by Elle @ 12:15 pm
5 comments
5 Comments:
A note for you personally, elle. It's not my intent to play the age card, such a thing can be devaluing, when your views carry equal weight.
Yet do not discount the possibility that after all your searching for what fits you... you find yourself back where you started, now armed with the knowledge you got there from discovery and in strength, not simply because it is. There is comfort in such things.
The journey through this can be wondrous, and only you can say what works for you. Best wishes!
And to your question... never let ideology stand between you and those you love. Never. One of the great purposes of spirituality is finding the goodness within and without, tying into love and faith to get us through things which might overwhelm. Beliefs should not serve to divide, they should only serve to light our own path. At times we share with others, if this be our desire. For some of us, we hold it closer. I know not what will work for you...
think of all the things that tie you to your mom... the love, the memories, so many other things beyond spirituality. Hold closely these things and thoughts, and you will do fine.
OK, I shall shuddup now ;-)
My family and I agree on absolutely nothing. Seriously, we are on opposite sides of everything.
We don't agree on religion, creationism vs evolution, abortion, gun control or how to raise children.
We don't agree on anything, except the fact that we love each other and that we're family. Sometimes, that's enough.
Nelle and Ems, thank you for your wise words :o) I do love my family unreservedly.
Nelle, I have wondered if my journey might lead me back to a form of Christianity, although I suspect that I may head towards a faith that recognises the Sacred Feminine which Christianity does not. I do know, however, that the evangelical, literalist Christianity I grew up with is not the faith I need as an adult woman.
Thanks so much for your comments, it means a lot that you care to offer your thoughts on my issues :o)
No problem. I've been there... and carry a jade goddess necklace with me always.
Nelle, I just wanted to say please don't fear that I will think you're playing the 'age card'. I honour the additional experience and understanding an older woman is likely to have without devaluing my own unique experience.
IMO that is one of the essential lessons of The Red Tent ;o)
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