Thursday, November 02, 2006

Infidelity

*note – the terms ‘marriage’ and ‘serious relationship’ are completely interchangeable in this post*

I think I may have weird ideas about infidelity. Firstly, it’s something I would NEVER EVER do under any circumstances, and that seems unusual. In my fairly small office, two people who are both married/seriously involved with others had an affair last year, and there is another affair hatching between a second pair of similarly involved colleagues. DM’s ex-wife had no concept of fidelity and embarked upon three affairs that he knows of during their 12-year relationship, the last of which sounded its deathknell. Another colleague I very much like and respect advised me that kissing (as in deep kissing) didn’t count as cheating. What’s with everybody? Even apparently nice, happily married men have made passes at me at office Christmas parties. This was when I was single – now DM comes to office parties with me.

My theory has always been if you are unhappy in any situation, change it or leave. Don’t cheat. If you are trapped in an unhappy marriage, the question is not ‘who should you shag to take your mind off it’, but why are you allowing yourself to be trapped?? Lady Chatterley had an excuse. The vast majority of Western people today don’t. There are a few circumstances where it’s understandable, but it’s very rare that the circumstance justifies the action and the totally unnecessary pain inflicted on the other partner.

Here’s another weird thought of mine – I think open marriages are perfectly ok and in no way the same as infidelity. To me, if you and your partner have an Agreement, it’s no longer unfaithfulness, because the two of you have agreed on your rules, and therefore you aren’t breaking them. I could never be in an open marriage (far too much scope for problems), but I don’t consider those in open marriages to be cheaters.

For me, infidelity is a deal breaker. He and I both know that ‘letting it out of your pants’ is not an option, and will never be an option, on pain of instant dissolution of the relationship.

Going back to my colleagues – it’s been a good test of nonjudgmental behaviour for me. Now, you may be surprised to see me saying that given the above, but I have never condemned the individuals involved or told them they are bad people for doing what they do. I think it’s totally wrong, but it’s their choice to make, not mine. I have been as supportive as possible while gently encouraging them to let it alone.

The oddest thing is that if the tables were turned, and their spouse cheated on them, they would be devastated. I think that sometimes people don’t think about the effects of their actions. They just think about how it feels at the time.

2 Comments:

At 3:31 am, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I agree wholeheartedly... but you touch on something that is important, and that is perception of infidelity. For Bill Clinton, oral sex apparently did not count.

I'm with you, kissing would be beyond my threshhold. I think back though, as my life was falling apart, my ex felt that my online activity, simply talking with friends, was inappropriate. She hated the fact I'd developed friendships, to her they were competition, perceiving me male, and thus... yet every single one was friendship. For one thing, I'm not into looking for any other relationship, even now, post divorce, too damn old for that stuff. Anyway, in a long winded, roundabout way, trust counts for so much.

 
At 10:41 am, Blogger Elle said...

Do you think that Clinton really didn't consider oral sex infidelity, or was he just not that bothered about being faithful?

Trust is essential, as you say. In my relationship, we do not ever say 'you may not speak to this person or be friends with that person'. Ever. There has been one instance so far when a female friend of his far overstepped her bounds, but he decided to end that friendship of his own accord. We both have friends of both genders, and we trust each other alone in a room with an opposite-gender friend.

IMO the kind of jealousy that says 'you may not have any female friends but me' is the kind that illustrates very deep insecurity and total lack of trust.

 

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