Counting My Blessings

A single-ish friend of mine visited last night. We’re sort of occasional friends – we saw a lot of each other at one point but only seem to manage meeting up every 4-6 months at the moment. So I packed DM off to the pub, and we had a girly re-bonding session.

Now this girl has had incredibly bad luck with men in her life. She’s been a victim of domestic violence and rape, she’s been cheated on, lied to, and generally had quite a bad time of it. Due to this, she finds it very hard to trust men and IMO relies far too much on Rules. Rules like never phone first, never suggest the next date, never say I love you first etc. Anyway, she has been seeing a new guy for about 6 weeks, and was fretting over the usual things:

‘Do I like him more than he likes me’;
‘Why hasn’t he called me for 3 days’;
‘Should I call him’;
‘Where is this going’….and so on

As it turned out, he called in the middle of our visit and she went from worried woman to blissful babe.

‘I don’t know why I worry so much’, she said.

The whole conversation made me want to sacrifice a goat to Venus in gratitude for what I have. Some partnered people (I’m big on the alliteration today!) miss the single life, long to be back in the dating game and regret that no more notches are going on that belt. I can’t think of anything worse. After being with someone who knows me so intimately and loves me anyway…!!! That closeness, that tenderness, that being with someone who really KNOWS you is probably the most precious thing I have yet experienced.

This is probably rather odd, but I keep a list of the men I have slept with. I got to about 7 and realised I had to think hard to remember a couple of the names, so I wrote them down. It seemed an important thing to do. Anyway, DM’s name is at the end of the list. I wrote him down after about two weeks, followed by the words “The End?”

I really hope it is.

Murder and Infidelity

After yesterday’s post, it seemed a horrendous synchronicity when I saw this story on the news last night:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/northamptonshire/6110230.stm

This horrific crime is in NO WAY the mother’s fault. The fact that this ‘father’ is trying to blame her infidelity for his murder of his own child illustrates that he is a pathetic and low individual, one I am hesitant to call a human being.
I was watching TV with DM when this story came on. As a cuckolded man with a child, he was utterly shocked and disgusted that anyone would harm their own child as a means of punishing their errant spouse. Which is no surprise, because he is a good man and a wonderful father. I’m sure most men would react similarly to DM, although sadly not all.
My heart goes out to this bereaved woman. I cannot imagine what it would feel like, not only to lose your child, but to know that your chosen life partner was so far from who you thought he was that he was capable of taking his own 4-year-old daughter’s life. Loss is very hard. Loss through betrayal must be even worse.

Infidelity

*note – the terms ‘marriage’ and ‘serious relationship’ are completely interchangeable in this post*

I think I may have weird ideas about infidelity. Firstly, it’s something I would NEVER EVER do under any circumstances, and that seems unusual. In my fairly small office, two people who are both married/seriously involved with others had an affair last year, and there is another affair hatching between a second pair of similarly involved colleagues. DM’s ex-wife had no concept of fidelity and embarked upon three affairs that he knows of during their 12-year relationship, the last of which sounded its deathknell. Another colleague I very much like and respect advised me that kissing (as in deep kissing) didn’t count as cheating. What’s with everybody? Even apparently nice, happily married men have made passes at me at office Christmas parties. This was when I was single – now DM comes to office parties with me.

My theory has always been if you are unhappy in any situation, change it or leave. Don’t cheat. If you are trapped in an unhappy marriage, the question is not ‘who should you shag to take your mind off it’, but why are you allowing yourself to be trapped?? Lady Chatterley had an excuse. The vast majority of Western people today don’t. There are a few circumstances where it’s understandable, but it’s very rare that the circumstance justifies the action and the totally unnecessary pain inflicted on the other partner.

Here’s another weird thought of mine – I think open marriages are perfectly ok and in no way the same as infidelity. To me, if you and your partner have an Agreement, it’s no longer unfaithfulness, because the two of you have agreed on your rules, and therefore you aren’t breaking them. I could never be in an open marriage (far too much scope for problems), but I don’t consider those in open marriages to be cheaters.

For me, infidelity is a deal breaker. He and I both know that ‘letting it out of your pants’ is not an option, and will never be an option, on pain of instant dissolution of the relationship.

Going back to my colleagues – it’s been a good test of nonjudgmental behaviour for me. Now, you may be surprised to see me saying that given the above, but I have never condemned the individuals involved or told them they are bad people for doing what they do. I think it’s totally wrong, but it’s their choice to make, not mine. I have been as supportive as possible while gently encouraging them to let it alone.

The oddest thing is that if the tables were turned, and their spouse cheated on them, they would be devastated. I think that sometimes people don’t think about the effects of their actions. They just think about how it feels at the time.